I am doing

I am a mom.... I have a son... Honestly, I feel like i am pretending, playing a never-ending game of "house" when I hear those words come out of my mouth. While my classmates are arguing with their moms about how unfair it is to have to chip in for rent, I am rocking my sweating, snotty, drooling baby boy through a high fever and sore tummy. I am a wife. I am a mom. I have no idea what I am doing.

Why is it that I am 22 and feel like a kid, still unprepared to face the world on my own? My mom has always been the image of womanhood for me. She carries herself with confidence, wisdom and grace. As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to be like her. She always had an answer and wise words to guide me through difficult situations. I guess I assumed I would magically transform into the amazing mother that she has always been once I had my own children. But here I am, the same age she was when she had two kids, and I still feel like stuck at two years old, whining when i don't get what i want and incapable of seeing past my own reality. Does my son see me as that picturesque mother I have always seen in my mom? Does he think I have it all together, full of wise answers for the world's most mind-boggling questions? Did my mom feel just as lost as I do?

I don't have answers for the challenges to come... How will i potty train? How will I teach him to share? How will i show him how to ride a bike? How will I teach him to stop hitting his sister? How will I show him the importance of integrity? How will I teach him how to do long-division? How will I help him get through the heart-break of death? These questions terrify me. I am not prepared to teach a boy how to be a man. I am still growing up myself.

But I can face today. I know what to do when my boy reaches up to me after tripping over his own hands and biting his tongue when his face hit the floor. I know what to do when he wakes up at 2 in the morning with a fever of 102. I know what to say when he points at an unfamiliar object and says "Was dat?" Or what to do when all he will eat is mandarin oranges and cheerios. I may not know what to do tomorrow, but somehow I find the grace to make it over each new hurdle. I make mistakes every day, but I love my boy with all that I am and love covers a multitude of sins. God must have seen something in me because he trusted me with the most precious treasure I could ever imagine. I don't know what i am doing, but I am doing.